


Birb

by patchfire, raving_liberal



Series: Spontaneous Marrying [3]
Category: Glee
Genre: Accidental Pets, Birds, Mostly On The Park Of A Bird, Pets, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-05-25 00:26:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6172735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patchfire/pseuds/patchfire, https://archiveofourown.org/users/raving_liberal/pseuds/raving_liberal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They didn't set out to own a Birb.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Birb

Puck doesn’t find Marion’s classes that different from the ones in Lima, and within a few weeks of the beginning of the semester, he’s in a couple of study groups for various classes, which helps him get to know more people. A few weeks after that, Puck dog-sits for one of his classmates over a weekend, which is why he doesn’t think that much of it when Luke asks him about pet-sitting. 

“What kind of pet?” Puck asks. 

“African grey,” Luke says. “He just turned four.”

“African grey what?” 

“Parrot. What other kind of animal is called an African grey?”

“Elephant?” Puck says with a shrug. “Okay. So do I need to go over and talk to him a few times a day or what?” 

“They need a lot of interaction, bro. It’s kind of like babysitting a toddler,” Luke says. 

“Should I take him back to our place? I mean, does he have a lot of stuff, or is that doable?” Puck asks. “And what’s his name?” 

“Yeah, I figured I’d bring all his stuff over to you. It’s a lot, like his cage and toys and everything, but if I leave him alone overnight he destroys stuff sometimes.”

“Oh. Okay, yeah, that’s fine,” Puck says. 

“Great. Text me your address and I’ll bring him over tomorrow afternoon before I leave!” Luke says. “He likes apples as a treat, so I’ll bring you a bag of those, too.”

“Okay, cool. What’d you say his name was?” 

“Oh, I guess I didn’t say. I just call him Birb.”

“Birb? Like B-i-r-b?” Puck spells. 

“Yeah, like a goofy bird. A birb,” Luke says. “It’s what they call ‘em online, and he’s kind of dumb and goofy, so he’s Birb.”

“Aww, poor guy,” Puck says. “Maybe he needs more intellectual stimulation. I’ll put C-SPAN on for him.” 

“He likes music, too, so you can leave the stereo on if you have to leave the house. You’ll need to make sure you latch the cage really well when you do, though.”

“Latch the cage, got it.” Puck texts their address to Luke and they arrange a time, and Puck forgets about Birb the African grey parrot until later that night when he and Finn are eating dinner. 

“Oh, hey, guess what!” Puck says. 

“What?” Finn says. 

“We’re going to have a visitor this weekend!” 

“Who?” Finn asks suspiciously. “You’re not springing Jake on me again, are you?”

“No, a bird,” Puck says. “An African grey parrot. His name’s Birb.” 

“Birb?”

“Yeah, like bird but with a b at the end.” 

“Weird,” Finn says. “So, African greys are the big grey ones, right? Does he talk?”

“I think so? He likes apples,” Puck says. 

“I didn’t know birds ate apples. That’s kinda funny.”

“I guess we’ll find out what else birds eat while we bird-sit,” Puck says with a shrug. 

“How long are we keeping him?” Finn asks. 

Puck frowns. “Oh. Luke didn’t say for sure. I think just the weekend. He was going out of town, and he says he can’t leave Birb overnight.” 

“Why not?” Finn asks, sounding suspicious again. “Does he scream or something?”

“Oh, he gets out of his cage and shreds things,” Puck says. “But he likes music!” 

“So he’s aggressive?”

“I don’t think so. I think he sounds like he gets lonely.” 

“Aww. Poor bird. Er, Birb,” Finn says. 

“Yeah, maybe it’ll be nice for him to have a change of scenery.” 

Luke brings the bird a little earlier than they had agreed upon, but it does take awhile to bring in Birb’s cage and toys, and Puck spends the rest of the afternoon talking to Birb and waiting for Finn to get home from work. Just before Finn should get there, Puck texts him. 

_Birb’s flying around, so be prepared to duck!_

_I thought he had a cage???_ Finn texts back. 

_He looked sad in it_ Puck explains. 

_He’s a bird, isn’t he going to poop everywhere?_

_Hasn’t so far!_

Puck looks over at Birb. “You’re going to poop in that corner of your cage, right?” 

Birb lands on the back of the sofa and chatters, “Fuck you bro.”

“I guess I can tell you’re Luke’s bird, huh?” Puck says. 

“Apple?” Birb asks. 

“You want an apple? Okay,” Puck agrees, standing up and heading into the kitchen. “You have had a busy day.” 

“Apple for Birb?”

“Apple for Birb,” Puck says. He’s just finished cutting up the apple when he hears the door open. “In the kitchen,” he calls. 

“Do I need to keep my head covered?” Finn calls back.

“He’s eating an apple, so no.” 

Finn walks into the room and suddenly exclaims, “Oh shit! He’s big!”

“Parrots aren’t small,” Puck says. “Birb, this is Finn.” 

“Hi, Birb,” Finn says. Birb walks down the kitchen counter, his head tilted.

“Apple for Birb. Good Birb,” Birb says to Finn. 

“Yeah, I see your apple,” Finn says. “That’s great, buddy.”

“He’s not a great conversationalist, but he likes to talk,” Puck says. 

“This is weird. It’s like having a small person staying with us,” Finn says, as Birb starts to mutter words to his apple slice, mostly “bro” and “nice apple, good apple, good Birb.”

“Except you can’t put humans in a cage when you go to bed at night?” 

“Well, we _could_ , but only with consent, and that’s really not my thing,” Finn says. 

“Oh, I know what your things are,” Puck says, grinning at Finn. 

“Mmm, yeah you do,” Finn says, putting his arms around Puck’s waist. “Want to do some of those things later?”

“We could teach Birb some new phrases to take home,” Puck says. He laughs and kisses Finn. “Would you believe he told me ‘Fuck you bro’?”

Finn laughs loudly. “Oh my god, seriously?”

“Fuck you bro!” Birb says. 

“Okay, seriously,” Finn says. “That’s hilarious.”

“Sorry, Birb,” Puck says over his shoulder. “I’m not into feathers.” 

By Sunday night, Birb is saying both ‘asparagus’ and ‘harder’, which makes Finn and Puck both laugh. Puck expects a text or a call from Luke at any point on Monday, but he never contacts him, so Puck gives Birb an extra apple and lets him sit on the arm of the sofa. On Tuesday, Puck tries to call Luke and doesn’t get an answer, so Puck leaves a voicemail that Luke can drop by anytime. When Finn and Puck go out for dinner on Tuesday night, they come back to a thoroughly shredded throw pillow and an unrepentant Birb sitting on the sofa. 

“I locked the cage!” Puck says. 

“Obviously not enough!” Finn says. “Dammit, Birb!”

“Uh-oh. What a mess!” Birb says, not sounding particularly distressed about it.

Puck shakes his head. “Maybe Luke should have taught him to use a vacuum cleaner.”

Wednesday afternoon, Luke finally answers the phone, says he’ll be there around dinnertime, and then never shows up. When it’s time to put Birb in his cage for the night, Puck looks at Finn and frowns. 

“Hey, Finn?” 

“Yeah?” Finn says, walking into the room. “What’s up?”

“I think it’s possible we own a Birb now.” 

“Oh,” Finn says. “Well, shit.”

“At least he’s cage-trained?” Puck says. 

“And he only tears things up if we don’t lock his cage good when we leave him alone,” Finn says. 

“Hey Birb?” Puck says. 

“Apple?” Bird requests politely.

“Do you want to eat all your apples here now?” Puck asks. 

“Apple for good Birb?” 

“Are you _our_ good Birb?” Finn asks.

Birb squawks and walks back and forth across one of the bars in his cat. “Good Birb,” he says. “Good boy, good Birb, bro.”

“Yeah, good Birb,” Puck says. “We’ll get you an apple.” 

“Yeah, we definitely own a Birb,” Finn says. Puck shrugs and nods, then heads to the kitchen for the apple. 

After another ten or so days passes, Puck gets a text from Luke, and twenty minutes later, Luke pulls up at their place. He gets out of his truck looking irritated and bangs on their front door. 

“Bro, I’m here for Birb,” Luke shouts through the door. 

Birb, who had been noisily explaining to Finn what a very good Birb he is, a Birb who should get apples, suddenly gets very quiet. He flies up to the top of the book shelf and hunches down low.

“I don’t think Birb wants to go,” Finn says quietly, as he walks to the door to answer it. 

“Sorry it took me so long to come get Birb,” Luke says. “I’ve had a lot of stuff going on, and the bird’s kind of a pain, to be honest with you.”

“Oh, he’s been great,” Puck says. “No problem at all.” 

“He just never shuts up,” Luke says, as he starts to load all of Birb’s things into the bottom of the cage. “Birb. Birb, come here!”

Birb hunches down even lower in the bookshelf, making a low growling noise. Puck frowns and glances at Finn, who looks tragically sad. 

“Bird! Come here!” Luke says in a louder, angrier voice.

Birb mutters a sad-sounding, “Asparagus.”

“He said the _word_ , Puck,” Finn says. He looks like he might burst into tears. “He doesn't want to go.”

“We can keep him,” Puck says to Luke. “He likes it here.” 

“You say that now, but he’s gonna go on one of his shrieking fits and you’re going to call me up and tell me to come get him,” Luke says, though he puts down the container of Birb’s food. “Everybody thinks parrots are a good idea until they actually have to live with one for more than a few days.”

“We like him. We like having him here,” Finn says. 

Puck shrugs. “He already destroyed a throw pillow. It’s cool.” 

“Just so you know, I’m not taking him back. If you don’t want him, you have to figure out what to do with him,” Luke says. He’s set down all of Birb’s stuff and is now slowly backing towards the front door.

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Finn says. 

“Okay. Can you mail us his vet records at least?” Puck asks. 

“Sure, sure,” Luke says. “Thanks. I appreciate this, bro.”

“Nah, thank you,” Puck says, but he doesn’t hesitate to close the door behind Luke as soon as he’s outside. Puck sighs and turns around. “That was close!” 

“Come on down, Birb,” Finn says softly, standing by the bookshelf. Birb flutters down onto Finn’s shoulder and starts grooming Finn’s hair. “I think Birb needs an apple, Puck.”

“Apple? Good Birb, apple for Birb,” Birb says. 

“Yeah, good Birb gets an apple,” Puck says, heading toward the kitchen. “He was seriously upset.” 

“I don’t think Luke is a good bird-owner, but _we_ are good bird-owners,” Finn says. 

“Good Birb-owners, too.” 

“Good Birb,” Birb declares. 

Puck laughs. “Yeah, good Birb.”


End file.
